The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.

Todays Joke

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Patient: When my hand heals, will I be able to play piano? Doctor: Yes, you'll be fine in a few days.

Previous Dates

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I took a poll the other day.

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I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.

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What is the worst combination of two sicknesses?

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I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.

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Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.

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Patient: Doctor,, my hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

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When debating letters, you always want "i" and "j" on your team.

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What does Superman have in his drink?

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Kid: Dad, can you teach me how to play chess?

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What is hairy, brown, and goes up and down?

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"Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

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I had a dream I was floating in some sort of orange liquid.

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My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

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What music are balloons scared of?

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Why do boxers have TGIF written on the inside of their shoes?

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My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.

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Why did the guy get arrested for having sex with a piano?

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After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.

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They'll never win a war on drugs.

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Did you hear about the houses next door to each other that fell in love?

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Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

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Call me a taxi!

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I can count on one hand how many times I've visited Chernobyl

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I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor

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A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

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Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?

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Which food should you only eat in the bathroom?

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I lost five pounds last week,

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I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

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I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.

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Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good