Doctor: I'm sorry sir, but you have colon cancer...
Me: No: I don:t believe you:
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My son thinks he’s smart, he said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
I like playing chess with old people in the park...
But it's kind of hard to find 32 of them.
The strangest part about picking out a name for your child is
realizing how many people you hate.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 40000$ and a hairline
After a fish was arrested for swimming without a license, he eventually posted bail.
Relieved, he said, "I'm off the hook!"