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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
1
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
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Previous Dates
0
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
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0
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they are good buoys.
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0
Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
when we're already there?
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0
I have the body of a 25 years old..
But it's in my refrigerator.
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0
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
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0
Why was the broom late for work?
He overswept
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0
Shout out to whoever first came up with the idea to shred cheese.
It was a grate idea.
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0
My first job was a running shoe company; I tried but I just couldn't fit in.
Then, I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
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0
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?
A trophy.
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0
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
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0
June’s over?
Julyin
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0
You have to act quickly during a flood.
Because it's an emergent sea.
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0
You can be as kind as you want...
but German kids are always Kinder.
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1
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
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0
What has two legs and flies?
Mike Pence.
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0
I dated a twin once...
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
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0
What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Bored.
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0
A captain harpooned a whale's tail on his first throw.
He said, "Well, that was a fluke."
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1
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
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0
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
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0
Dad, I'm hungry!
Hi Hungry, I'm dad!
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0
What do you call a grandfather clock?
An old timer!
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0
Me and my wife were perfectly happy for 28 years
And then we met each other.
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0
I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
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0
Albert Einstein was a genius but
his brother Frank was a true monster
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0
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
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0
Just found out that Aaaargghhh is not a real word.
Can’t tell you how angry I am at this.
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0
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
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6
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
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-1
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.
But then I turned myself down.
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1
What do you call a slow moving poop?
A turdle.
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Joke of the Day
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Me: Can we change the subject?
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