Finally left my job at the circus where I was part of the human pyramid
That's a huge weight off my shoulders
I quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big or strong enough.
Today, I put in my too-weak notice.
Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker.
I used to look up to him.
My wife sent me an article that says men's beards have more germs than dogs.
I approve. There are no dogs in my beard.
Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months.
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.
I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
Straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What does a dentist get on his one-year work anniversary?
A little plaque.
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.
Thanks for everything, dad.
Golfer: Caddiemaster, this boy you assigned me isn't even five years old!
Caddiemaster: Better for you, sir. He probably can't count past ten.