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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Alligators can grow up to 13 feet.
Most, however, only have 4.
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Previous Dates
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How is Christmas like another day at the office?
Because you do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit!
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What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
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What are the four worst words you can hear on a golf course?
"It's still your turn."
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
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3
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
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6
Dad: what do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
I stand corrected
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What did the bystander say to the abusive farmer?
Stop beating your meat!
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What do thieves make their weapons from?
Steal.
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So excited for autopsy club!
It's open mike night!
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You have to act quickly during a flood.
Because it's an emergent sea.
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1
Why did the can-crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda-pressing.
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Two atoms are walking down the street and bump into each other
-Are you ok? -I think I lost an electron -Are you sure? -I’m positive!
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Don't trust atoms.
They make up everything!
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6
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
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My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
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Where do dead bricks go?
To the cementry
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Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
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What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs!
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Ebay is useless. I tried searching for lighters
All I found was 13,769 matches
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I dated a twin once...
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
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What brand of car does an Egg drive?
A Yolkswagen
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-2
If Jesus was the Lamb of God and Mary gave birth to Jesus..
..Then Mary had a little Lamb.
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"I want to hate my life in a different building"
-person looking for a new job
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Shout out to the people wondering
what the opposite of “in” is.
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Do you know why you can't hear pterodactyls urinate?
Because they are extinct.
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What do you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
You seakelp
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What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
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I came up with a new word yesterday:
Plagiarism.
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I changed my iPhone name to Titanic.
It’s syncing now.
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Did you hear about the dumb guy who got fired from his job at the M&M's factory?
He kept throwing away all the candies that had W's on them.
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I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
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Alligators can grow up to 13 feet.
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