Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
That would cause mass confusion.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
I'm a walking economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation,
and it's all putting me into a deep depression.
[Walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough,
but than you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump’s wall
On the condition he gets to install windows
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. It has so many black belts.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed.
Should have seen her face, when they all disagreed.