Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I saw a midget wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "I hate black people" on it...
I thought to myself... "that's a little racist"
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside
My pet parrot Nico escaped yesterday and hasn't been seen since.
All I have now is a Nico-less cage.
People told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they turned out lovely
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.
To determine the gender of a parrot you have to stick your finger in the cage. If he bites you, he's a male...
If she bites you, she's a female.
I'll never forget the last thing that Grandpa said before he kicked the bucket:
"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it...
... then my illegal logging operation is a great success.
“Dear Diary, I think I have trouble distinguishing between inanimate objects and human beings.”
My therapist: Yes, I see that. Stop calling me Diary.