I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2. 1...or 2?
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary
I said, “Mark, my words!”
Toy story 4 used to have a scene where Woody's friends died.
They cut it from the script because it was too much of a buzzkill.
My son turned 27, so he's no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend
Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 40000$ and a hairline
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv.
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend...
...but I couldn't catch them all.
You can tell the gender of any animal by just throwing a pebble at it.
If SHE attacks you then it's a female or If HE attacks you then it's a male.
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?
It always tastes like paper.