When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. “When I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”... “Wow!” I said. “Was it some big corporation?”
“No.” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”
I work for the world's biggest nanotechnology company.
We're not very good.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table?
Because of her crash diet
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
Did you know the US Mint is the richest Department in the US?
They make a lot of money.
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...
I guess it was the delivery!
What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager!
What training do you need to become a garbage collector
None you just pick it up as you go along