Just found out that Aaaargghhh is not a real word.
Can’t tell you how angry I am at this.
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.....
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
Before my operation, my doctor gave me the option to be knocked out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?" I replied, "Exactly!"
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.
This is because concrete floors are really hard.
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I have an old calculator that’s missing the minus button.
But on the plus side, it still works.
My name’s David, but my Chinese friends call me Dawei.
I guess that’s just dawei it is.