My boss fired me for cracking too many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
My balding magician friend has come up with a new trick.
He vanished into thin hair.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
Did you know the US Mint is the richest Department in the US?
They make a lot of money.
Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
He had already broken the bench.
Reporter: How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?
Company owner: It's simple. I have 100 employees, and 99 free parking spaces outside. The other one costs $50 a day.
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year.
It's the first time they'll see 2020.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.