Toy story 4 used to have a scene where Woody's friends died.
They cut it from the script because it was too much of a buzzkill.
My son thinks he’s smart, he said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
Why does the new iPhone 11 Max look like a stove top?
Because Tim cooks
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home...
...I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed.
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers
but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
Did you hear about the dumb guy who got fired from his job at the M&M's factory?
He kept throwing away all the candies that had W's on them.
My 15 year old sent a text asking me to pick him up from school and added "not in your pyjamas".
So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
What type of music should you listen to when fishing?
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"