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Yesterday I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her, "This isn't working out"
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Why didn’t the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
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Why can't a lactose intolerant dyslexic man keep a diary?
Because he's allergic.
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Where does seaweed look to find a job?
In the "Kelp Wanted" section.
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I dated a twin once...
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