How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and five to sing about how good the old one was.
I entered a horse themed costume contest dressed up as an elephant
I won despite the many neigh sayers
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Matt Damon is severely depressed because he keeps getting typecast as an action hero.
He wishes he was never Bourne.
My teacher says I'm pretty good at addition but I'm terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
Why does the new iPhone 11 Max look like a stove top?
Because Tim cooks
My dad bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank him.
Dad to his daughter: "Never forget, sweetie, you're unique,
like everyone else."
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.