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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
0
Me and my wife were perfectly happy for 28 years
And then we met each other.
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Previous Dates
0
I just sold my vacuum...
All it was doing was collecting dust!!
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0
Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They’d crack each other up!
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0
Finally left my job at the circus where I was part of the human pyramid
That's a huge weight off my shoulders
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3
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
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0
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal!
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0
Why was the Argentine man shaky?
Due to his-panic attacks
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0
I ordered a book of puns last week,
but i didn't get it.
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0
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
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1
My dad bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank him.
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0
I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
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0
How often should a person make a chemistry joke?
Periodically.
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0
How do you know if a potato had a great day?
When it's peeling good.
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0
Why was the pancake arrested?
Because he was behaving un-waffle-ly
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1
I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.
Thanks for everything, dad.
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0
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
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0
My clock broke.
It ticks me off
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0
"Hey dad, I'm taking a shower"
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
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0
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
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6
There is a cult where they don’t believe in using coins.
Sounds like a bunch of non-cents!
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0
Can't imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not hard.
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0
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
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0
Why didn't the dad shower before telling his joke?
Because he wanted to tell a dirty joke.
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0
I quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big or strong enough.
Today, I put in my too-weak notice.
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0
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
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0
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant...dead ant... dead ant, dead ant, dead ant
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0
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
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1
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
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0
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
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0
Justice is a dish best served cold,
if it were served warm it would be justwater.
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-1
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during his root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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0
When an Amazon employee takes maternity leave
are they out for delivery?
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Joke of the Day
Me and my wife were perfectly happy for 28 years
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