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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
I said okay... Bi den.
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Previous Dates
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I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
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Wife: "Honey, I'm Pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not...."
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What's more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling Bee
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2
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
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I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?
He was tired of working for peanuts.
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0
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson
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What does Superman have in his drink?
Just ice.
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"How did you sleep last night?"
Dad: "I closed my eyes and waited."
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Why did the dentist stick some X-rays in his mouth?
Because they were tooth-pics.
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My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
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My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
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Why are mints so smart?
Because mints make cents.
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I would post a joke from my watch
But that would just be second-hand information
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Why didn't the dad shower before telling his joke?
Because he wanted to tell a dirty joke.
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0
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
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I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
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I once made a belt out of watches
But it was just a waist of time.
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Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.
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Did you know most people are assholes?
Next time you see a group of people, yell "hey asshole" and they will all look.
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For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist.
That kid didn’t help me at all.
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0
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
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0
Did you hear about the human cannonball?
Too bad he got fired!
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1
Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.
That was the punchline.
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0
What did the scientists say while freezing at absolute zero?
This is 0K
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My last annual performance review said I lacked passion and intensity.
They've never seen me alone with a really big cheeseburger.
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1
I never let my kid watch an orchestra on TV.
There's just too much sax and violins.
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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-1
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia....
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
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-2
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
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0
What did the scientists say while freezing at absolute zero?
This is 0K
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Joke of the Day
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
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