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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good
Jack and the beans talk
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Previous Dates
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I would do a steak joke..
But they're never well done.
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2
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes.... all the other guys were nines or tens”
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1
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
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My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
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1
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
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0
How many beans do you need to make the perfect bean soup?
239. Because one more would be too farty.
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0
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
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I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary
I said, “Mark, my words!”
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What's the toughest part of being Vegan?
Keeping it to yourself.
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My kid’s pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we can’t find it.
Now he’s just some bunny we used to know.
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How do fish get high?
Seaweed
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
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I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
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Without nipples!
Chests would be pointless.
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I call my toilet "the jim" instead of "the john."
That way I can tell people that I go to the jim first thing every morning.
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What begins with “f” and ends in “uck”
Wrong, what begins with “w” and ends in “hat”
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How did the farmer mend the holes in his jeans?
With cabbage patches.
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Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!
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Two women were sharing the same ID card
Sharon is Karen
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4
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?". "For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
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How does the Moon cut his hair when the Sun gets in the way?
Eclipse it.
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1
Most people get shocked when they find out..
I’m not their electrician.
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I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
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Did you hear about the new dating site for retired chemists?
It's called "Carbon Dating."
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1
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
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1
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
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What does a dinosaur use to pay bills?
Tyrannosaurus checks
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Dad, what's a forklift?
"Food, usually," I replied.
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I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
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1
What do you call bears with no ears?
B
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I bought my friend an elephant for her room.
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".
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Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good
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