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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
0
Knock-knock! Who's there? Kumquat. Kumquat who?
Kumquat may, I'll always love you.
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Previous Dates
0
If I had a shoe for every ginger I knew ...
I wouldn’t have a sole
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-1
Knock-knock! Who's there? Uphill. Uphill who?
Uphill would make me feel better.
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0
What are a communist's favorite units of time?
Hours.
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2
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
Riceless
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0
Why do barbers make good drivers?
They know all the shortcuts.
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0
Time flies when you're having fun.
When you're not having fun it usually takes the bus.
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0
What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
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-1
I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.
They discussed me.
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0
So I asked the dude next to me if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium hypobromite, and he was all like,
NaBrO
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0
Toy story 4 used to have a scene where Woody's friends died.
They cut it from the script because it was too much of a buzzkill.
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0
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
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0
While most puns make me numb...
math puns make me number
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0
Matt Damon is severely depressed because he keeps getting typecast as an action hero.
He wishes he was never Bourne.
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0
A couple of research scientists had twins.
They named one John and the other Control.
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0
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
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0
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
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0
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
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1
What's the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
I don't know and I don't care one way or the other.
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0
What did Beethoven become after he died?
A decomposer.
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1
What do you call an iron deficient female?
A male
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0
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
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0
What do you call someone who sells noodles for money?
A pasta-tute
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0
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
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4
What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?
WATAAAAA
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0
What’s a cats favourite button on the tv remote?
Paws
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0
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
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0
What rapper is in a toolbox?
Plies
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0
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
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0
Dad jokes are the best and heres why
why
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2
There are three signs of old age. The first is memory loss.
I forget the other two.
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5
People told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they turned out lovely
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Joke of the Day
Knock-knock! Who's there? Kumquat. Kumquat who?
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