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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Rocks don't get the respect they deserve.
A lot of people take them for granite.
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Previous Dates
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I’m always right...
... except for one time I thought that I was wrong about something, but it turned out I was right.
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I call my toilet "the jim" instead of "the john."
That way I can tell people that I go to the jim first thing every morning.
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Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.
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Where does seaweed look to find a job?
In the "Kelp Wanted" section.
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What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look! I’m about to change.
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Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants?
They give him good case ideas.
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How do you call the smartest mountain?
Cleverest!
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Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester.
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A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian resturaunt.
I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore.
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I don't know why marvel hasn't tried to put ads on hulk
He's essentially a large banner
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What do you call a group of whales playing instruments?
An orca-stra.
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Why did Superman flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty.
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Did you hear about the sick Italian chef?
He pasta-way. I cannoli imagine what his family is going through.
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What do you call a straight line of bunnies hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.
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What did fridge say when asked 'any hot drinks?'?
'No, I'm cool.'
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In the battle of the mint - the spearmint attacked the soft mints - all they could yell was..
"Where are the reinforcemints"
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What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn't.
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Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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When does Floyd like to go to the beach?
During Mayweather.
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What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth rock.
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I've been looking for some new hunting gear.
Good camouflage is hard to find.
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My wife asked me if I'm ever gonna stop singing "Wonderwall"
I said maybe...
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I finally decided to dispose of my broken tripod
I just couldn't stand it anymore.
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I used to work at a calendar factory,
but I got fired for taking a couple days off.
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I don't really care about Mr. Cone's opinion
But I think he has a solid point
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Shredded cheese was a great invention.
People were really grateful.
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How did Jesus get so strong?
Cross fit
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At the end of the day...
It's just midnight!
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Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
That would cause mass confusion.
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Why did the female mushroom ask the male mushroom on a date?
He seemed like a fun guy.
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A captain harpooned a whale's tail on his first throw.
He said, "Well, that was a fluke."
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Joke of the Day
Rocks don't get the respect they deserve.
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