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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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You have to act quickly during a flood.
Because it's an emergent sea.
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Previous Dates
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What is an anti-social vegan?
Someone who avoid meets
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1
What is Beethoven doing in his grave?
Decomposing.
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0
You know people say they pick their nose?
I was just born with mine.
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What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
A widow.
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Why was the toilet paper rolling down the hill?
It was in a rush to get to the bottom.
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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
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How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?
Tell them to get out of the swimming pool.
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2
There are three signs of old age. The first is memory loss.
I forget the other two.
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0
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....
...but Quasimodo has a hunch.
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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up.
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Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy!
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
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When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
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-1
I think my favorite part of going to the gym
is judging other people.
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0
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
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What kind of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
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What's the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, they're under a buck!
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Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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Mayan: Hey wanna drink?
Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.
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1
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there. I'll deal with you later!
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0
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
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I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
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Did you hear about the new dating site for retired chemists?
It's called "Carbon Dating."
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2
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
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0
I got a job in a coffee shop. I feel like I can espresso myself there.
But don't make a mocha-ry of me. It's a little latte for that.
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At a clown’s funeral, everybody brought flowers.
There wasn’t a dry face in the house.
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How often should a person make a chemistry joke?
Periodically.
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Every morning I plan on making pancakes,
but I keep waffling.
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0
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen
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-1
My wife asked me if I'm ever gonna stop singing "Wonderwall"
I said maybe...
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12
What do you call a nose with no body?
No body nose!
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Joke of the Day
You have to act quickly during a flood.
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