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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
0
You have to act quickly during a flood.
Because it's an emergent sea.
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Previous Dates
1
Mary had a little lamb.
She's not a vegan anymore.
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0
Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually..
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0
Out boss just banned overly specific nicknames
The whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
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0
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
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0
Cannibals aren’t very sociable.
They’re all fed up with people.
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0
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless...
I was like 0mg.
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0
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
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-1
What bug did dinosaurs hate the most?
Dynomites
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0
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
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0
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
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0
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
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0
My girlfriend just asked me what state was below Tennessee...
Nine-esse
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-1
You know you're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling...
and you didn't do anything the night before.
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0
Whenever I see a school bus, I think about my uncles last words...
“OH MY GOD, A BUS!!!!!”
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0
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
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0
I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
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0
What's the difference between a baseball hitter and a skydiver?
The baseball player goes "smack!...ARGH!" A skydiver goes "ARGH!...smack!"
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0
The only time I get called "Sir" is when I'm in trouble.
"Sir, you're gonna have to get out. The ball pit is for kids only Sir."...
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0
Someone asked if I was Russian.
I said I'm not, I'm taking my time.
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0
Why is honey good for you?
It’s full of Bee vitamins.
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0
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government.
Lesbionage
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1
A good romance starts with a good friendship. A bad romance on the other hand starts with...
Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma, ga ga ooh la la, want yo bad romance.
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3
Humans are born with four kidneys
When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees
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14
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
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0
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
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0
How do ponies communicate with each other?
Horse code.
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-1
Why didn't anyone say anything when the king farted?
It was a noble gas.
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1
Good romance starts with good friendship
A bad romance starts with "ra ra ah ah ah. ro, ro ma ma ga ga, ooh la la,"
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1
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.
They're to prevent meltdowns.
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0
I don't trust these trees
They seem kind of shady
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0
I found out I'm lactoes intolerant.
I can't stand, not having any toes.
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You have to act quickly during a flood.
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