My 15 year old sent a text asking me to pick him up from school and added "not in your pyjamas".
So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
What type of music should you listen to when fishing?
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and five to sing about how good the old one was.
I entered a horse themed costume contest dressed up as an elephant
I won despite the many neigh sayers
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.