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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Patient: When my hand heals, will I be able to play piano? Doctor: Yes, you'll be fine in a few days.
Patient: Great! I've always wanted to play an instrument.
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Previous Dates
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My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy
It's not like I did something
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If you have diarrhea,
you've got to get your shit together.
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.
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1
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Let’s go ride bikes!
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My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercises.
I just dodged a bullet.
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I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
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Just read an article about the top ten exposed electrical circuits.
One through ten will shock you!
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-1
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
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1
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
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0
When life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic.
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Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do take away.
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What's the difference between a baseball hitter and a skydiver?
The baseball player goes "smack!...ARGH!" A skydiver goes "ARGH!...smack!"
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-1
What bug did dinosaurs hate the most?
Dynomites
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1
Irony.
The opposite of wrinkly.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know
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What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
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-5
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
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What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
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Why was the broom late for work?
He overswept
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What is cold and stands under a street lamp?
A frostitute.
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It's difficult to say what my wife does,
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
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Spring is here but I can't plant flowers yet...
I haven't botany
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There was a fight between 69 and 70.
71
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How do you correctly compliment a dad joke?
Dads a good joke!
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Me: Know what Thanos says when he finds a rotten fruit in his garden? My kids: Ugh.
"It is... Inedible"
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Why can't a father teach his girl about buying bras?
Because a mother knows breast.
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I was in an argument about what the best kind of bread was
But the conversation went a rye.
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I can cut down a tree by just looking at it
It’s true I saw it with my own two eyes
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1
If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”
They get really pissed off.
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0
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
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Why can't a father teach his girl about buying bras?
Because a mother knows breast.
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Joke of the Day
Patient: When my hand heals, will I be able to play piano? Doctor: Yes, you'll be fine in a few days.
REVEAL ANSWER
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