The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.

Todays Joke

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My dad wanted me to become a fruit farmer like him but I always told him I was scared to do it.

Previous Dates

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What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?

2

My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.

0

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

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Where do mice park their boats?

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What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?

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I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

1

I shot my enemy with a paintball gun

0

I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory

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My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”

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What did the grape do when he got stepped on?

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I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...

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What does a dentist get on his one-year work anniversary?

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What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?

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Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

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Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

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A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender says:

1

I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.

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What's Snoop Dog's favorite cereals?

-1

What do you call a noodle that doesn’t drink?

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How do knights communicate?

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Golfer: Caddiemaster, this boy you assigned me isn't even five years old!

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How do you split the ocean in half?

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I hate to say this.

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Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree

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How do you tie up 2 Martians?

0

What do you do after an Apple turns bad?

0

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

0

I have my grandma on speed-dial

0

What’s brown and sticky?

1

What did the archer get when he hit a bull's-eye?

3

My son flushed one of his shoes down the toilet, stopping it up...