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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
0
My dad wanted me to become a fruit farmer like him but I always told him I was scared to do it.
So he told me to grow a pear.
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Previous Dates
0
My twin brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.
I guess.... we are raised differently.
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0
My son tied his first tie today.
I looked at him and told him "Knot bad son."
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0
What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
A widow.
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What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Bored.
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0
Did you hear about the guy who had the whole left side of his body amputated?
He's alright now.
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0
Did you hear about the new dating site for retired chemists?
It's called "Carbon Dating."
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0
What does the Hawaiian suicide bomber say?
Aloha ackbar!
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0
Golfer: Caddiemaster, this boy you assigned me isn't even five years old!
Caddiemaster: Better for you, sir. He probably can't count past ten.
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0
Why do some people post long jokes here??
This isn't where they be long.
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1
If you bury someone in the wrong place,
you've made a grave mistake.
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1
I lost a boxing match with a pirate.
He had a vicious right hook.
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0
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $100 from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
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0
Genie: What is your final wish? Boy: I wish I were you.
Genue: weurd but alrught.
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0
You know why I like egg puns?
They crack me up!
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0
I just realized Vampires don't exist in Africa.
Vampires can be killed by Holy Water, and they bless the rains down in Africa.
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0
I used to be indecisive
But now I'm not so sure
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0
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
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0
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
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-1
I'm a walking economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation,
and it's all putting me into a deep depression.
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0
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up.
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0
Migraines aren't real.
They're all in your head.
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0
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia
She whispered, "They're right behind you"
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0
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
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0
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
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0
Considering getting my circumcision reversed.
Anyone have any tips?
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0
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
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2
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
Riceless
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0
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist.
That kid didn’t help me at all.
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1
I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
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0
Although my friend has a lot of hair, he’s paranoid about going bald.
I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
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0
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt.
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Joke of the Day
My dad wanted me to become a fruit farmer like him but I always told him I was scared to do it.
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