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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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How did the T-rex feel after his workout?
A little Dinosore
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Previous Dates
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What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
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Why are Russian cars so terrible?
Because no matter what gear they get Putin, they seem to always be Stalin..
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I hate people who don't use punctiation.
They deserve a long sentence.
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I'm a catholic
I've been addicted to cats my whole life
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Told my daughter to wear glasses during math.
It improves division.
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-2
I have sex daily
Edit: I have dyslexia*
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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
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3
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters...
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins...
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0
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
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I'd like to start dieting...
...but I just have too much on my plate right now.
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Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines.
I just can't think of one atm.
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1
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
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1
My wife says she's good at yoga.
I think she's a poser.
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0
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
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Who is the patron saint of e-mail?
St. Francis of a CC.
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0
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
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0
What is a mummy's favorite music genre?
Wrap
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2
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
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2
Someone stole the toilet seat at the police station.
Investigators have nothing to go on.
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0
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
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0
What does a dentist get on his one-year work anniversary?
A little plaque.
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1
My six-pack is very precious to me.
That's why I protect it with a layer of fat.
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0
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
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Our wedding was so beautiful …
Even the cake was in tiers.
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I had a racing snail...
To make him more aero-dynamic I took off its shell. If anything it made him more sluggish
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0
What did the yogi tell his restless students?
Don't just do something...sit there!
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0
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?
Annette
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1
Why did the nazi got run over?
Because he did nazi that coming.
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0
What did the bear say after hibernation?
I’m bearly awake.
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Joke of the Day
How did the T-rex feel after his workout?
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