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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
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Previous Dates
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Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up...
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
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American children are kind..
But German kids are kinder
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"Sergeant! Sergeant! The troops are revolting!"
"Well, you're no prize pig yourself."
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Where would you find a tortoise with no legs?
Wherever you left it.
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I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
Feyoncé
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What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little horse.
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Albert Einstein was a genius but
his brother Frank was a true monster
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What is an epileptic's favourite appetiser?
Seizure salad
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What do you call a lame person who has telepathy?
Telepathetic
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If Genghis Khan,
so Khan you.
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My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
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Just found out that Aaaargghhh is not a real word.
Can’t tell you how angry I am at this.
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Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.....
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
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Before my operation, my doctor gave me the option to be knocked out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
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5
People say that I am self-centred
But that's enough about them.
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I wrote a sequel to the movie "Airplane"
It never took off, the pilot was terrible.
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I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?" I replied, "Exactly!"
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1
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
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0
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.
This is because concrete floors are really hard.
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Rated
This joke will be underrated.
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What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
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2
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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0
I was fired from a bank.
When a woman asked me to check her balance, I pushed her over.
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What's the best kind of booze if you want to dance all night long?
Wild Twerky
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3
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
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0
My friend told me he was Jewish.
I was like, “No way!” And he was like, “Yahweh.”
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You know what actually makes me smile?
My Facial muscles
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
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