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I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
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Why is it so hard to solve a crime in Alabama?
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My wife and I decided not to have kids.
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My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
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Husband: Whisper dirty things to me.
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