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I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
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I always knock when I open the fridge
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
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“Dad, can you call mom’s phone? She can’t find it.”
“Absolutely! ‘Mom’s phone! Mom’s phone!’”
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"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing..
Unless you're at a funeral.
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Why did the orange juice factory worker lose his job?
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