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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Why was the broom late for work?
He overswept
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Previous Dates
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What does Superman have in his drink?
Just ice.
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Two atoms are walking down the street and bump into each other
-Are you ok? -I think I lost an electron -Are you sure? -I’m positive!
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How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
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Here's a good circumcision joke.
[removed]
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I took my wife to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you, but she wasn't very happy.
I told her next time she can pick the restaurant, if she really hated Subway that much.
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Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
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What I if told you
You read the title wrong.
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My biology teacher asked "What's heavier, the Indian or African elephant?"
I said "The elephant obviously!"
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How tall is a spider?
Eight foot
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What makes more noise than a T-rex?
Two T-rex
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Frequent nap taking slows the aging process.
Especially if you take them when you are driving.
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
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What did the vegetarian say to the doctor?
I feel good from my head tomatoes.
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What is cold and stands under a street lamp?
A frostitute.
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People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
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Toy story 4 used to have a scene where Woody's friends died.
They cut it from the script because it was too much of a buzzkill.
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My son thinks he’s smart, he said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
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What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
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Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife?
He needed space.
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Why does the new iPhone 11 Max look like a stove top?
Because Tim cooks
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home...
...I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed.
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I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers
but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
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Don't trust atoms.
They make up everything!
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Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little antibodies.
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The workweek is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says
WTF
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Did you hear about the dumb guy who got fired from his job at the M&M's factory?
He kept throwing away all the candies that had W's on them.
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I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
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What happens when a llama gets on top of you?
You get llaminated
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My 15 year old sent a text asking me to pick him up from school and added "not in your pyjamas".
So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.
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Why couldn’t the duck cross the road?
Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.
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I was fired from a bank.
When a woman asked me to check her balance, I pushed her over.
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Joke of the Day
Why was the broom late for work?
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