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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
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Previous Dates
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went out for drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
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Why is Magic Johnson not afraid of going deaf?
Cause he's not worried about hearing A.I.D.S
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Why was Nala so upset with Simba?
He was always lion.
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1
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
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Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
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How do trees access the internet?
They log on.
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How do fish get high?
Seaweed
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2
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
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“What to call a bear who’s lost all its teeth?
A gummy bear!
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For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
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People say that swiss cheese is the best...
But I found a couple holes in that theory
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I was fired from a bank.
When a woman asked me to check her balance, I pushed her over.
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As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
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What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
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Without nipples!
Chests would be pointless.
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What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
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Call me a taxi!
You're a taxi!
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What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
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What brand of car does an Egg drive?
A Yolkswagen
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1
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
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What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million Dollars.
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I changed my iPod name to Titanic.
It’s syncing now.
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
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I just found out I’m colour blind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
How dairy.
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Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678
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What do you say to a giant with his head in the clouds.
Hi.
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I love going outdoors...
It's much safer than going outwindows.
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My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.
I said, “Wait! I can change!”
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What does Donald Trump hate listening to?
Barack music
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Joke of the Day
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
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