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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I don't trust these trees
They seem kind of shady
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Previous Dates
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"Dad, will the pizza be long?"
"No, it will probably be round."
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What do you call a happy rabbit?
A hoptimist
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“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
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To all the people out there suffering with paranoia just remember
you're not alone.
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Did you hear about the dumb guy who got fired from his job at the M&M's factory?
He kept throwing away all the candies that had W's on them.
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Bumblebee. Bumblebee who?
Your bumblebee cold if you don't wear pants.
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Who is bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger’s baby, because he’s a little Bigger
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2
What word starts with "e", ends with "e", and only has one letter in it?
Envelope.
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I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
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What does the farmer say after digging a hole so deep it reaches underground water?
Well done!
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What did the flower say to the bicycle?
"Petal! Petal!"
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Who cleans the ocean?
Mer-maids!
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I have a joke about time travel
but you didn't like it...
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1
Have you heard about the new movie Constipation?
It hasn't come out yet.
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What do Romanians do when they're tired?
They Bucharest
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A skeleton walks into a bar
He asks for a glass of beer and a mop
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What do cows tell each other at bedtime?
Dairy tales.
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Doctor: I'm sorry sir, but you have colon cancer...
Me: No: I don:t believe you:
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Kumquat. Kumquat who?
Kumquat may, I'll always love you.
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Rocks don't get the respect they deserve.
A lot of people take them for granite.
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
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"Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Dion. Dion who?
I'm dion of thirst here!
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2
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
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My son thinks he’s smart, he said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
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Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
He was feeling crummy.
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I saw an ad for burial plots,
and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
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Our family is like a fine cheese.
We get funkier with age.
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1
Why do dogs have such a great attitude?
They like to stay paws-itive
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My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
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I don't trust these trees
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