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I was fired from a bank.
When a woman asked me to check her balance, I pushed her over.
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Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server.
I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.
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When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. “When I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”... “Wow!” I said. “Was it some big corporation?”
“No.” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”
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What's the one thing a homeless man can't be?
A homebody.
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What did the sushi say to the bee?
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