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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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My dad wanted me to become a fruit farmer like him but I always told him I was scared to do it.
So he told me to grow a pear.
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Previous Dates
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Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
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At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What exactly happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
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What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quackhead.
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Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do take away.
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Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing?
I think it's total non scents.
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1
If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”
They get really pissed off.
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No bragging but I made six figures last year.
So they named me worst employee at the toy factory.
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I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
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What do you call a young musician?
A minor.
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What do you call bears with no ears?
B
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Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
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I can cut down a tree by just looking at it
It’s true I saw it with my own two eyes
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Mom bought me some camouflage cargo pants.
She will never see me in them.
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You can't run through a camp site.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
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Why shouldn't you stay close to a speaker all the time?
Because it hertz your ears!
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What did the DJ name his newborn son?
Eric
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I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
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Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
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Converting the number 51, 6 and 500 to Roman numerals doesn’t just make me mad....
It makes me LIVID.
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I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said,
‘You.’
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Have you heard about the pope's kitten addiction?
He's a catoholic
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Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
He was feeling crummy.
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Does anyone know how to catch a polar bear?
First cut a hole in the ice and throw some peas in it... then hide, when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole....
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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear...
is sphere itself.
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Did you hear about the human cannonball?
Too bad he got fired!
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1
I'm going to start a bar and call it "the Morgue"
It's a place where you can crack open a cold one with the boys.
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How did the whale defend itself?
With a swordfish.
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I was arrested for stealing cooking utensils
But it was worth the whisk
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What is a row of iron cats?
A [Fe] line.
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When do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
When it's full.
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What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
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Joke of the Day
My dad wanted me to become a fruit farmer like him but I always told him I was scared to do it.
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