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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I don't trust these trees
They seem kind of shady
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Previous Dates
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Never, ever invest in Velcro....
It's a total rip-off
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Keep the Earth clean.
It isn't Uranus.
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, bartender looks at him and says
"for you, no charge."
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1
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
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Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump’s wall
On the condition he gets to install windows
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Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. It has so many black belts.
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How does am armless man play poker?
With a chip on his shoulder.
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Why shouldn't sandwiches have kids?
Because they are in bread.
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The person who invented autocorrect
should burn in hello.
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What do you call a happy rabbit?
A hoptimist
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
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Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism.
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2
My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed.
Should have seen her face, when they all disagreed.
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What did the painter do when it got cold...
He put on another coat
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12
What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?
LMAYO
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People who wear glasses must be excited for next year.
It's the first time they'll see 2020.
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How do you offer a dinosaur something to drink?
Tea, Rex?
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Doctor: I'm sorry sir, but you have colon cancer...
Me: No: I don:t believe you:
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What do you call a funky car?
A mustang.
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What do you call when you have your grandmother on speed dial?
Insta gram
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I would like to thank my hands.
I can always count on you.
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Where do beekeepers stay on vacation?
Air bee and bee.
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Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died.
It is, however, a huge weight off my shoulders
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There was a robbery at the Apple store.
The police are rounding up iWitnesses.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.
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A guy tried to sell me a mirror but I knew it was a scam.
I could see right through it.
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Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
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Why was the calendar depressed?
Because it’s days were numbered!
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My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
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What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I gotta give these two a lift!
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Joke of the Day
I don't trust these trees
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