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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
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Previous Dates
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When do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
When it's full.
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How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down
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Why did the autistic students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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My neighbor told me he only sleeps standing up.
But everyone knows he lies a lot.
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2
Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor.
Period.
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My boss fired me for cracking too many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
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0
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
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What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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I was talking to a rancher today. I said, “I have 54 sheep. Can you round them up for me?”
“Sure,” he said. “60.”
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What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A spaghetto
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Most vegans are pacifists.
They don't want any beef.
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My cat was just sick on the carpet.
I don't think he's feline well.
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My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
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5
What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIINS!”
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1
Somebody said that my father is older than dirt.
It's not true-he discovered it.
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0
What do you call your child when they are happy?
A happy little accident.
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-1
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
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0
Don’t stare at a glass of water.
Take a pitcher it’ll last longer.
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Your dad is in prison and he has a stutter.
He's never going to finish his sentence.
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My balding magician friend has come up with a new trick.
He vanished into thin hair.
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Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
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It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
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These four words describe my gaming pc.
Gay, Mean, Pee, Sea.
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Did you know the US Mint is the richest Department in the US?
They make a lot of money.
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Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
He had already broken the bench.
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Reporter: How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?
Company owner: It's simple. I have 100 employees, and 99 free parking spaces outside. The other one costs $50 a day.
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I asked my wife what she thought of my peeing skills, on a scale of 1-10...
She said “urinate”
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Why do people like fizzy drinks?
They're sodalicious.
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People who wear glasses must be excited for next year.
It's the first time they'll see 2020.
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0
What do you call a half horse, half human doctor?
A centaur for disease control.
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1
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
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Joke of the Day
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
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