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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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Previous Dates
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So excited for autopsy club!
It's open mike night!
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What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia
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1
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
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What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other?
Assymmetrical
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How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down a hill
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Teenager's dad: Have her back by 8:15.
Daughter's boyfriend: The middle of august? Great!
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My wife and I lost 100 lbs combined!
She lost 120 lbs. I gained 20.
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My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
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6
What's the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
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0
What did the coach say to the broken vending machine?
"Give me my quarterback!"
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Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling
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I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
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12
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
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My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines.
I just can't think of one atm.
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Keep the Earth clean.
It isn't Uranus.
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Dad, what's a forklift?
"Food, usually," I replied.
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2. 1...or 2?
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1
Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
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0
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary
I said, “Mark, my words!”
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Toy story 4 used to have a scene where Woody's friends died.
They cut it from the script because it was too much of a buzzkill.
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My son turned 27, so he's no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
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Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend
Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 40000$ and a hairline
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Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv.
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2
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend...
...but I couldn't catch them all.
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0
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
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You can tell the gender of any animal by just throwing a pebble at it.
If SHE attacks you then it's a female or If HE attacks you then it's a male.
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A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
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What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
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Joke of the Day
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
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