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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
0
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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Previous Dates
0
What do you do after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
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0
Alligators can grow up to 13 feet.
Most, however, only have 4.
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4
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam.
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0
A Chinese child was born before his due date...
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
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0
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
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0
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
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0
What do call a dinosaur without gold?
A dinosr.
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0
What did the flower say to the bicycle?
"Petal! Petal!"
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1
What is the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle.
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0
I think my iPhone's broken
I pressed the home button, but I'm still at work
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0
Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?
It always tastes like paper.
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0
Do you think..
Earth makes fun of other planets for having no life?!
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-1
My wife asked me if I'm ever gonna stop singing "Wonderwall"
I said maybe...
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0
If you suck at playing the trumpet,
that's probably why.
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0
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
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0
I have a Russian friend who is a sound technician.
And I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
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0
Why did the dentist stick some X-rays in his mouth?
Because they were tooth-pics.
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0
Why can't you play basketball with pigs?
They're ball hogs!
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0
What do you call someone who sells themselves in exchange for spaghetti?
A pasta-tute
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0
When debating letters, you always want "i" and "j" on your team.
They always have a point.
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0
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
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0
I call my toilet "the jim" instead of "the john."
That way I can tell people that I go to the jim first thing every morning.
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0
My twin brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.
I guess.... we are raised differently.
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0
My son tied his first tie today.
I looked at him and told him "Knot bad son."
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0
What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
A widow.
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0
What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Bored.
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0
Did you hear about the guy who had the whole left side of his body amputated?
He's alright now.
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0
Did you hear about the new dating site for retired chemists?
It's called "Carbon Dating."
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0
What does the Hawaiian suicide bomber say?
Aloha ackbar!
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0
Golfer: Caddiemaster, this boy you assigned me isn't even five years old!
Caddiemaster: Better for you, sir. He probably can't count past ten.
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0
Why do some people post long jokes here??
This isn't where they be long.
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Joke of the Day
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
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