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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
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I dated a twin once...
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
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Previous Dates
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What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Bored.
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A captain harpooned a whale's tail on his first throw.
He said, "Well, that was a fluke."
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1
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
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My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
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Dad, I'm hungry!
Hi Hungry, I'm dad!
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What do you call a grandfather clock?
An old timer!
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Me and my wife were perfectly happy for 28 years
And then we met each other.
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I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
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Albert Einstein was a genius but
his brother Frank was a true monster
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Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
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Just found out that Aaaargghhh is not a real word.
Can’t tell you how angry I am at this.
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How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
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6
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
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-1
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.
But then I turned myself down.
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1
What do you call a slow moving poop?
A turdle.
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0
What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boo jeans.
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1
I scared my neighbor with my new power tool
I said, “Don’t be alarmed, this is just a drill!”
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What do you call a very crusty egg?
Eggzema
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12
What do you call a nose with no body?
No body nose!
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My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.
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Why does wally wear a striped shirt?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
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I just sold my vacuum...
All it was doing was collecting dust!!
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My first day working as a pilot: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for?
copilot: they keep your shirt closed
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I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards....
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
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My clock broke.
It ticks me off
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1
Irony.
The opposite of wrinkly.
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Why was the math teacher late to work?
She took the rhombus.
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An old lady in bank asked me if I can check her balance
so I pushed her over.
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Why was the cow so aggressive?
It was in a bad mood.
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Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up...
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
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I dated a twin once...
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