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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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You have to act quickly during a flood.
Because it's an emergent sea.
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Previous Dates
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My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
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Did you hear about the fight that broke out at the seafood restaurant?
Two fish got battered.
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What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
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1
What is Santa’s religion?
He’s eggnogstic.
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I find that computer programming is a great painkiller.
It involves a lot of codeine.
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What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
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Did you hear about the angry pancake?
He just flipped.
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Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
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Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made yet!
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I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex complex complex.
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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...
Should’ve put it on aloha setting!
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What is between nine and ten?
and
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They're, there, their.
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There are 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
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I don’t usually make puns about dividing numbers..
But I will make one if I halve two.
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Why did Shakespeare’s wife walk out on him?
She was sick of all the dramas.
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How do mountains see?
They peak.
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Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They’d crack each other up!
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How do you tuna fish?
You raise or lower the scales.
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To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
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I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
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1
Why did the octopus blush?
She saw the ocean's bottom.
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What do you call two female lovers spying on the government.
Lesbionage
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Yesterday I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her, "This isn't working out"
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-1
What training do you need to become a garbage collector
None you just pick it up as you go along
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My therapist just told me that my exhibitionism addiction is incurable.
I’ll show her.
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To all the coworkers who have talked about me behind my back:
You discussed me.
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Student: Why are we dissecting mushrooms?
Teacher: Because studying fungus is a cultured way to mold young minds.
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My son needed help with his writing homework. 'Is it further or farther?' he asked me.
It's me, father, I replied.
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Joke of the Day
You have to act quickly during a flood.
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