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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
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Previous Dates
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I was born in the morning at 7:11
My parents thought it was pretty cool, but the store clerk wasn't happy about the mess.
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Today we tried teaching my six month old son how to hold things.
But he wasn’t grasping the concept.
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1
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
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Do windmills like punk rock?
No, but they’re big metal fans.
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I like my women the way I like my coffee.
I don't like coffee.
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Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”
Dad : “No, the regular kind.”
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I was gonna tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
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Every morning the same bike hits me.
It's a vicious cycle.
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Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
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What are a communist's favorite units of time?
Hours.
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The clouds parted and a voice thundered, "Come forth, and you'll receive eternal life."
But John came fifth, so he just got a toaster.
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2
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
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3
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
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2
Someone who likes playing racing games online is..
an eraser.
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Yesterday I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass.
I've officially hit rock bottom.
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1
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
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It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle,
He just didn’t have the balls to do it.
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Do you know why you can't hear pterodactyls urinate?
Because they are extinct.
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1
Two psychiatrists pass each other on the street.
"You are fine. How am I?"
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I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
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2
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?
Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.
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Why do most married men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
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Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.
I was like well damn.
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I farted in the Apple store, and everyone got mad.
It's not my fault that they didn't have Windows.
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My wife told me I didn't know what irony is.
It was ironic, because we were at the bus stop.
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Wanna hear a joke about Cheetos?
Never mind it’s dangerously cheesy.
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Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
Someone told him to “get along little doggie”.
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I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...
... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!
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To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
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Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
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Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?
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