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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
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Previous Dates
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I don't trust these trees
They seem kind of shady
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I used to be indecisive
But now I'm not so sure
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I once knew a guy who was afraid of milk.
He was quite the coward.
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What do you call a girl that breaks up with you via Instagram?
A DMX
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1
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.
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0
I really enjoy my job as a claymation model designer
I make six figures a year
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What’s it called when you kill chickpeas?
Hummuside
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3
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters...
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins...
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0
If you are out in the forest all by yourself and a bear charges you, what should you do?
Pay him immediately!
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause
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Why can't dogs play video games?
When they do, its always on paws.
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The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.
Things got a little tense.
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0
Knock-knock! Who's there? Mozart. Mozart who?
Mozart is found in museums.
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2
When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils… they dilate.
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0
No one: literally no one:
0,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0
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What did the bystander say to the abusive farmer?
Stop beating your meat!
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A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
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A Chinese child was born before his due date...
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
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Why aren't Koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koalafications.
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Me: Honey, I'm terrified of vowels. Wife: Ummm, why?
Me: Only sometimes.
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I like my women the way I like my coffee.
I don't like coffee.
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What's a drunk astronauts favourite part of a computer?
The space bar
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I'm not fat.
Just horizontally tall.
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You know what actually makes me smile?
My Facial muscles
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Donohue. Donohue who?
Donohue think you can hide your grades from me!
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Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
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0
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
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2
We would tell you another swimming joke,
but it's too watered down to be funny.
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How did Jesus get so strong?
Cross fit
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My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
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People say crochet is like knitting,
but it's knot.
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Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?
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