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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
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Previous Dates
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My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
I said okay... Bi den.
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Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good
Jack and the beans talk
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3
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because a suitcase is just not enough
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1
My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.
I've done that, but what do I do with the letter.
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0
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
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1
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out
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1
You know there's no official training for garbage men?
They just pick things up as they go along.
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0
How is a dog like a phone?
It has a collar ID.
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I was asked at an interview what my weakness is. I replied "I'm too honest". The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness".
I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
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Why is Magic Johnson not afraid of going deaf?
Cause he's not worried about hearing A.I.D.S
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My girlfriend really changed when she became vegan.
It was like I had never seen herbivore.
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What is black and white and sits on a swing?
A swinguine.
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What happened when Richie drank 8 cokes?
He threw 7 up.
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1
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
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0
How do you tuna fish?
You raise or lower the scales.
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They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
They’re not laughing now.
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My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
I said okay... Bi den.
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When an Amazon employee takes maternity leave
are they out for delivery?
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2
There are three signs of old age. The first is memory loss.
I forget the other two.
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I like my women the way I like my coffee.
I don't like coffee.
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
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0
What is hairy, brown, and goes up and down?
A kiwi in an elevator.
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0
Knock-knock! Who's there? Kumquat. Kumquat who?
Kumquat may, I'll always love you.
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If a chinese man has to pay, what's his name?
Ka Ching
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Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his cake?
He was stuffed.
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They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
They’re not laughing now.
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5
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
It’s because they charge a lot.
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I hate people who don't use punctiation.
They deserve a long sentence.
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Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months.
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Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal!
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Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
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Joke of the Day
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
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