The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.

Todays Joke

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I was kidnapped by mimes once

Previous Dates

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Step 2: Brag that you walk 5 miles every day

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Why was the calendar depressed?

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Instead of 'Happy New Year' I said 'good year' to my wife.

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My clock broke.

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Why was Nala so upset with Simba?

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Spiders are so smart..

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Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on.

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Peter Pan is terrible boxer.

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Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

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An apple, a banana, and an orange were on the high dive. Only the banana wouldn't jump. Why?

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How do ponies communicate with each other?

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Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing?

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I was accused of being a plagiarist,

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Just burned my Hawaiian pizza.

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My wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Me: Can we change the subject?

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I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”

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Why do dogs float in water?

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Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"

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I have the body of a 25 years old..

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What does a turtle do on their birthday?

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Why was the broom late for work?

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Shout out to whoever first came up with the idea to shred cheese.

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My first job was a running shoe company; I tried but I just couldn't fit in.

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What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?

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My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

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June’s over?

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You have to act quickly during a flood.

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You can be as kind as you want...

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Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?

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What has two legs and flies?

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I dated a twin once...