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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I have the body of a 25 years old..
But it's in my refrigerator.
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Previous Dates
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My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down..
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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0
Why can't you play basketball with pigs?
They're ball hogs!
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What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur.
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I'm going to have my spine removed
All it does is hold me back
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2
There are three signs of old age. The first is memory loss.
I forget the other two.
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0
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
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1
I went to buy camouflage pants,
but I couldn't find any.
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0
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
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1
Why did the cat run away from the tree?
Because of its bark
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0
I used to be indecisive
But now I'm not so sure
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0
I entered a horse themed costume contest dressed up as an elephant
I won despite the many neigh sayers
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0
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
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-2
A midget stumbles out of the bar...
He was a little drunk.
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0
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
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0
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple.
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0
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty
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0
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.
I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.
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1
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
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1
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
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3
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
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0
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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0
I love politically incorrect jokes. Here’s my favorite.
Benjamin Franklin was a great President.
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0
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…
No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.
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1
I scared my neighbor with my new power tool
I said, “Don’t be alarmed, this is just a drill!”
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0
"Dad, will the pizza be long?"
"No, it will probably be round."
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0
Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
From the second hand store.
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1
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there. I'll deal with you later!
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0
I ordered a book of puns last week,
but i didn't get it.
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What do women and google have in common?
They don't let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.
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What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs!
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0
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally gave her a glue.
She's still not talking to me.
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I have the body of a 25 years old..
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