The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.

Todays Joke

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An apple, a banana, and an orange were on the high dive. Only the banana wouldn't jump. Why?

Previous Dates

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I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.

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My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

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My wife and I have decided we don't want kids.

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What is the opposite of a croissant?

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My flat-earther friend started walking to the edge of the earth to prove that the earth is flat.

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What makes more noise than a T-rex?

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To determine the gender of a parrot you have to stick your finger in the cage. If he bites you, he's a male...

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Your dad is in prison and he has a stutter.

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What is the hardest part about sky diving?

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What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

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Patient: When my hand heals, will I be able to play piano? Doctor: Yes, you'll be fine in a few days.

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They'll never win a war on drugs.

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These jokes about boomerangs are really getting out of hand...

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The only time I get called "Sir" is when I'm in trouble.

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What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

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Doctor: I'm afraid your DNA is backwards, sir.

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A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started "unos, dos.."

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My son tied his first tie today.

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What do you called a sad coffee?

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If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..

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My dad wanted me to become a fruit farmer like him but I always told him I was scared to do it.

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What's the difference between "comma" and "coma"?

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How did the T-rex feel after his workout?

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A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"

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Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes...

2

I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.

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How do you make holy water?

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Vegetarian is an old Indian word.

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I gave all my dead batteries away today…

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My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.