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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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Previous Dates
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Toy story 4 used to have a scene where Woody's friends died.
They cut it from the script because it was too much of a buzzkill.
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Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
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While most puns make me numb...
math puns make me number
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Matt Damon is severely depressed because he keeps getting typecast as an action hero.
He wishes he was never Bourne.
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A couple of research scientists had twins.
They named one John and the other Control.
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Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
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Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
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Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
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1
What's the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
I don't know and I don't care one way or the other.
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0
What did Beethoven become after he died?
A decomposer.
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1
What do you call an iron deficient female?
A male
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My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
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What do you call someone who sells noodles for money?
A pasta-tute
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I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
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4
What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?
WATAAAAA
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What’s a cats favourite button on the tv remote?
Paws
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I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
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What rapper is in a toolbox?
Plies
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When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
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Dad jokes are the best and heres why
why
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2
There are three signs of old age. The first is memory loss.
I forget the other two.
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7
People told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they turned out lovely
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1
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
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0
On the anniversary of his birth, devotees of a certain yogi asked what gifts they might bring.
The yogi replied, 'I wish for no gifts, only presence."
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Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, “The streets seem strangely desserted…”
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1
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
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0
How do you know you've been left somewhere
You're not in the right place
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People who think semi-colons & commas are the same,
are missing the point.
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What happens when a llama gets on top of you?
You get llaminated
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My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
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My son needed help with his writing homework. 'Is it further or farther?' he asked me.
It's me, father, I replied.
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Joke of the Day
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
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