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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.
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Previous Dates
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Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
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What kind of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
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What's the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, they're under a buck!
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Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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Mayan: Hey wanna drink?
Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.
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1
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there. I'll deal with you later!
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How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
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I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
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Did you hear about the new dating site for retired chemists?
It's called "Carbon Dating."
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2
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
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I got a job in a coffee shop. I feel like I can espresso myself there.
But don't make a mocha-ry of me. It's a little latte for that.
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At a clown’s funeral, everybody brought flowers.
There wasn’t a dry face in the house.
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How often should a person make a chemistry joke?
Periodically.
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Every morning I plan on making pancakes,
but I keep waffling.
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Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen
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-1
My wife asked me if I'm ever gonna stop singing "Wonderwall"
I said maybe...
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12
What do you call a nose with no body?
No body nose!
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Why do Swedish war ships have barcodes painted in the side?
So when they come in they can Scandinavian.
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What did the ocean say to the sailboat?
Nothing, it just waved.
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My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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I need a joke to tell my deaf friend
Preferably one he's never heard before
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What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?
NACHO CHEESE!
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Spring is here but I can't plant flowers yet...
I haven't botany
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There's a video trending about a dyslexic enemy.
It's going rival.
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What's the best day to cook?
Fryday
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Cheetahs. Cheetahs who?
Cheetahs never win and winners never cheat.
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Dad: Why is your January report card so bad?
Kid: Things are always marked down after Christmas.
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Why was the cook arrested?
He was caught beating an egg.
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What do you called a sad coffee?
A depresso
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Without nipples!
Chests would be pointless.
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells?
Because she outgrew B shells..
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Joke of the Day
Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
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