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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I was kidnapped by mimes once
They did unspeakable things to me.
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Previous Dates
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A skeleton walks into a bar
He asks for a glass of beer and a mop
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What do cows tell each other at bedtime?
Dairy tales.
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Doctor: I'm sorry sir, but you have colon cancer...
Me: No: I don:t believe you:
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Kumquat. Kumquat who?
Kumquat may, I'll always love you.
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Rocks don't get the respect they deserve.
A lot of people take them for granite.
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
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"Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Dion. Dion who?
I'm dion of thirst here!
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2
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
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My son thinks he’s smart, he said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
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Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
He was feeling crummy.
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I saw an ad for burial plots,
and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
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Our family is like a fine cheese.
We get funkier with age.
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1
Why do dogs have such a great attitude?
They like to stay paws-itive
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My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
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I like playing chess with old people in the park...
But it's kind of hard to find 32 of them.
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I drank some food coloring
The doctor says I'm okay, but I'm dyeing inside
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Wanna hear a ghost joke?
Thats the spirit..
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If organ trafficking is illegal,
then what about pianos?
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Why do some people post long jokes here??
This isn't where they be long.
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I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
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People who work in gas stations are lucky...
They've got a fuelfilling job!
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4
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian...
It was the least I could do for him.
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0
What do you call a bear that travels between the north and South Pole?
A bi-polar bear
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2
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
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0
The strangest part about picking out a name for your child is
realizing how many people you hate.
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 40000$ and a hairline
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My wife told me that I have a dad bod.
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure.
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Albee. Albee who?
Well Albee a monkey's uncle.
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Why is honey good for you?
It’s full of Bee vitamins.
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Joke of the Day
I was kidnapped by mimes once
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