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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.
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Previous Dates
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
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I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
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0
What's the difference between a baseball hitter and a skydiver?
The baseball player goes "smack!...ARGH!" A skydiver goes "ARGH!...smack!"
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0
The only time I get called "Sir" is when I'm in trouble.
"Sir, you're gonna have to get out. The ball pit is for kids only Sir."...
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0
Someone asked if I was Russian.
I said I'm not, I'm taking my time.
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Why is honey good for you?
It’s full of Bee vitamins.
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0
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government.
Lesbionage
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1
A good romance starts with a good friendship. A bad romance on the other hand starts with...
Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma, ga ga ooh la la, want yo bad romance.
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3
Humans are born with four kidneys
When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees
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14
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
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0
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
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0
How do ponies communicate with each other?
Horse code.
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-1
Why didn't anyone say anything when the king farted?
It was a noble gas.
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1
Good romance starts with good friendship
A bad romance starts with "ra ra ah ah ah. ro, ro ma ma ga ga, ooh la la,"
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1
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.
They're to prevent meltdowns.
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0
I don't trust these trees
They seem kind of shady
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I found out I'm lactoes intolerant.
I can't stand, not having any toes.
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0
What is an anti-social vegan?
Someone who avoid meets
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1
What is Beethoven doing in his grave?
Decomposing.
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0
You know people say they pick their nose?
I was just born with mine.
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What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
A widow.
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0
Why was the toilet paper rolling down the hill?
It was in a rush to get to the bottom.
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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
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0
How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?
Tell them to get out of the swimming pool.
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2
There are three signs of old age. The first is memory loss.
I forget the other two.
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0
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....
...but Quasimodo has a hunch.
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0
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up.
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Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy!
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0
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
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0
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
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-1
I think my favorite part of going to the gym
is judging other people.
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Joke of the Day
Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
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