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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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At a clown’s funeral, everybody brought flowers.
There wasn’t a dry face in the house.
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Previous Dates
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My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
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Why are mints so smart?
Because mints make cents.
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I would post a joke from my watch
But that would just be second-hand information
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Why didn't the dad shower before telling his joke?
Because he wanted to tell a dirty joke.
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
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I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
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I once made a belt out of watches
But it was just a waist of time.
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Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.
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Did you know most people are assholes?
Next time you see a group of people, yell "hey asshole" and they will all look.
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For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist.
That kid didn’t help me at all.
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You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
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Did you hear about the human cannonball?
Too bad he got fired!
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1
Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.
That was the punchline.
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What did the scientists say while freezing at absolute zero?
This is 0K
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My last annual performance review said I lacked passion and intensity.
They've never seen me alone with a really big cheeseburger.
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I never let my kid watch an orchestra on TV.
There's just too much sax and violins.
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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-1
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia....
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
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-2
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
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0
What did the scientists say while freezing at absolute zero?
This is 0K
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I would do a steak joke..
But they're never well done.
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2
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes.... all the other guys were nines or tens”
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1
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
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My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
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1
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
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How many beans do you need to make the perfect bean soup?
239. Because one more would be too farty.
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What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
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I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary
I said, “Mark, my words!”
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What's the toughest part of being Vegan?
Keeping it to yourself.
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My kid’s pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we can’t find it.
Now he’s just some bunny we used to know.
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How do fish get high?
Seaweed
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Joke of the Day
At a clown’s funeral, everybody brought flowers.
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