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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.
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Previous Dates
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What is a boxer's favorite part of a joke?
The punch line.
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2. 1...or 2?
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Why did the static say to the other static?
I'm sick and tired of your interference!
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I need a new butt
Mine has a crack in it
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How does a Chinese cowboy say hello....
Nî hâowdy.....
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What is the number one cause of Dry Skin?
Towels
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2
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
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4
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
..an ether/oar situation...
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My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy
If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery
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A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender says:
"Why the long face?"
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Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
He had already broken the bench.
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Tequila may not fix your life.
But it’s worth a shot.
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5
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
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3
I’ll tell you a corona virus joke now...
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
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What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A dung
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A man standing on a riverbank yells to a woman on the other side, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"
"You're already on the other side!"
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I saw a midget wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "I hate black people" on it...
I thought to myself... "that's a little racist"
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My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
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Did you hear about the fight that broke out at the seafood restaurant?
Two fish got battered.
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What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
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1
What is Santa’s religion?
He’s eggnogstic.
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0
I find that computer programming is a great painkiller.
It involves a lot of codeine.
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What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
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Did you hear about the angry pancake?
He just flipped.
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Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
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Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made yet!
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I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex complex complex.
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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...
Should’ve put it on aloha setting!
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What is between nine and ten?
and
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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Joke of the Day
Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
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