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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
0
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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Previous Dates
1
I clean all my weapons with tree sap.
Some say I’m crazy, but I’m sticking to my guns.
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0
My name’s David, but my Chinese friends call me Dawei.
I guess that’s just dawei it is.
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-1
My blind friend was left by his deaf wife.
He didn't see the signs.
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0
Why was dumbo sad?
He felt irrelephant.
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0
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work!
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0
Three candies you'll find in every school: Nerds, DumDums, and Smarties.
One you'll hear in any classroom: Snickers.
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0
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
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4
I just swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles by accident.
My next poop could spell disaster.
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0
Why do some people post long jokes here??
This isn't where they be long.
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0
What do you call 2 crows?
Attempted murder.
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0
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
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0
Do you think..
Earth makes fun of other planets for having no life?!
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0
What is an epileptic's favourite appetiser?
Seizure salad
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1
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there. I'll deal with you later!
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0
What do you call an insect born without a mouth?
A mute ant.
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0
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
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0
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy.
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0
Have you heard of the restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
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9
What do you call two octopuses that look the same?
Itenticle.
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0
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
... a wrecked angle.
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0
What has two legs and flies?
Mike Pence.
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0
An apple, a banana, and an orange were on the high dive. Only the banana wouldn't jump. Why?
Because it was yellow.
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0
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
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0
What do you call an apology sent via Morse Code?
Remorse Code.
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0
If you are out in the forest all by yourself and a bear charges you, what should you do?
Pay him immediately!
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0
Being a great father is like shaving.
No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
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1
My wife to our son, "Go brush your teeth with your sister"
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
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0
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
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0
What are a communist's favorite units of time?
Hours.
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0
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
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1
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear
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Joke of the Day
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
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