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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.
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Previous Dates
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My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…
No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.
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1
I scared my neighbor with my new power tool
I said, “Don’t be alarmed, this is just a drill!”
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"Dad, will the pizza be long?"
"No, it will probably be round."
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Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
From the second hand store.
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1
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there. I'll deal with you later!
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I ordered a book of puns last week,
but i didn't get it.
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What do women and google have in common?
They don't let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.
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What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs!
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The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally gave her a glue.
She's still not talking to me.
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3
What is the Devil's favorite spice?
Sinnamon
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What do you call a group of security guards in front of the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
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Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with!
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I asked my wife to pick up a pumpkin to make pumpkin pie. When she said she couldn't find one at the store, I told her,
"I guess our plans are squashed."
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1
I don't like anti-maskers
They make me sick
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What did the doctor say to his patient that wanted to do his own stitches?
Suture self.
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Dad jokes are the best and heres why
why
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My girlfriend likes to take the stairs but I prefer taking the elevator
I guess we were raised defferently.
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5
If anyone gets a DM from me about canned meat, don't open it!
It's SPAM
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No one: literally no one:
0,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0
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What did the undertaker say when he realized he'd buried the wrong coffin?
I've made a grave mistake
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It is okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
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I'm not fat.
Just horizontally tall.
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Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.
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Shout out to the people wondering
what the opposite of “in” is.
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When do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
When it's full.
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I changed my iPhone name to Titanic.
It’s syncing now.
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What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past
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1
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type
As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.
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My Sister Bet Me $15 I Couldn't Build a Car Out Of Spaghetti
You should of seen her face as I drove pasta.
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What does BOAT stand for?
Bust out another thousand.
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My addiction to Helium is out of control, but...
No one is taking my cries for help seriously.
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Joke of the Day
Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
REVEAL ANSWER
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