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As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 3,141 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
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Did you know that spiders make excellent baseball players?
They know how to catch flies!
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Why did the dentist stick some X-rays in his mouth?
Because they were tooth-pics.
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How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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My first day working as a pilot: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for?
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