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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.
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Previous Dates
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What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They're, there, their.
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There are 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
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I don’t usually make puns about dividing numbers..
But I will make one if I halve two.
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Why did Shakespeare’s wife walk out on him?
She was sick of all the dramas.
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How do mountains see?
They peak.
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Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They’d crack each other up!
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How do you tuna fish?
You raise or lower the scales.
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To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
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I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
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1
Why did the octopus blush?
She saw the ocean's bottom.
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0
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government.
Lesbionage
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Yesterday I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her, "This isn't working out"
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-1
What training do you need to become a garbage collector
None you just pick it up as you go along
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My therapist just told me that my exhibitionism addiction is incurable.
I’ll show her.
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To all the coworkers who have talked about me behind my back:
You discussed me.
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Student: Why are we dissecting mushrooms?
Teacher: Because studying fungus is a cultured way to mold young minds.
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My son needed help with his writing homework. 'Is it further or farther?' he asked me.
It's me, father, I replied.
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Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
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How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?
Pull down your pants and show him your nuts.
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2
Someone who likes playing racing games online is..
an eraser.
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How do you call the smartest mountain?
Cleverest!
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Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
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0
To whoever stole my anti depressants
I hope you’re happy now
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1
I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
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0
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah?
When's the last time you've ever heard of anyone who rested to death?
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What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past
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I was gonna post a joke about Sodium
but then i was like Na people wouldn't get it.
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An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have:
the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
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I just sold my vacuum...
All it was doing was collecting dust!!
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Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They’d crack each other up!
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0
Finally left my job at the circus where I was part of the human pyramid
That's a huge weight off my shoulders
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Joke of the Day
Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
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