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My wife says I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid
Joke's on her, I can stop whenever I like
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I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician...
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
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I couldn't decide whether my girlfriend was pretty, or ugly.
So I told her that she was pretty ugly.
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If you have diarrhea,
you've got to get your shit together.
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I was kidnapped by mimes once
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