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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
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Previous Dates
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Why couldn't the Olympian listen to music?
Because he kept breaking all the records.
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
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Doctor: I'm afraid your DNA is backwards, sir.
Me: AND?
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Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They’d crack each other up!
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1
Vegetarian is an old Indian word.
Originally, it means “a bad hunter”.
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Your dad is in prison and he has a stutter.
He's never going to finish his sentence.
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They'll never win a war on drugs.
It's hard enough to win a war even when you're not on drugs.
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Never try to fight a dinosaur...
You’ll get Jurasskiced
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1
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
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Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
Runs in the family
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Being a great father is like shaving.
No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
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My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
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Being a cardiac surgeon...
Would be a heart wrenching experience.
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How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was able.
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I have a goal to stop being over ambitious.
I hope to hit it by tomorrow.
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Disaster. Disaster who?
Disaster be my lucky day!
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A piece of bread attended school.
It did so well it made the honor roll.
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If you're feeling under the weather, spend a night in a smokehouse.
You'll be cured in no time.
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I recently wrote an article comparing the different versions of the Bible.
Turns out there was a lot of cross referencing.
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Son: "Dad, what are clouds made of?"
Dad: "data and Linux servers"
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Which animal is the oldest?
Zebras cause they still be in black and white
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Why does Waldo always wear stripes?
He's afraid of getting spotted.
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My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…
But it was his dumb asphalt…
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Student: Why are we dissecting mushrooms?
Teacher: Because studying fungus is a cultured way to mold young minds.
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In the battle of the mint - the spearmint attacked the soft mints - all they could yell was..
"Where are the reinforcemints"
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My best friend keeps telling me to “cheer up man. It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with water”
I know he means well.
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What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left for school?
"Bison"
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A ten year old boy broke his knee...
Doctors had to do the kidney replacement surgery.
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When life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic.
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My mum didn't like my report card. She said "I want more A's".
I said okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
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Do you know why the say "be there or be square?"
Because you're not around.
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
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