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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
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Previous Dates
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
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What did the tree do when the bank was closed?
It started its own branch.
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You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
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Why can't you play basketball with pigs?
They're ball hogs!
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I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
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Why did the fish blush?
He saw the oceans bottom
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My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry,
I'll return.
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Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
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Wife asked me why i don't take her anywhere.
I answered: "What's the point, you always come back."
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Why do bees hum?
They don't know the words.
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2
Why did Mickey Mouse become an astronaut?
He wanted to visit Pluto.
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NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
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What kind of sickness does a martial artist get?
Kung flu.
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Why do birds fly south?
It’s easier than walking!
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What did the undertaker say when he realized he'd buried the wrong coffin?
I've made a grave mistake
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myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
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How do you call the smartest mountain?
Cleverest!
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Where do you take somebody that has been injured in a Peek-a-Boo accident?
The I.C.U.
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I’ve just won a few hands in poker.
Some people really will gamble anything.
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1
Why was the farmer arrested at the gym?
He was destroying his calves.
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Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their head is really far away.
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2
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
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1
If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”
They get really pissed off.
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Why are foot injuries so serious?
... because they take so long to heel.
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My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
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You can tell the gender of any animal by just throwing a pebble at it.
If SHE attacks you then it's a female or If HE attacks you then it's a male.
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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What do you call it when a pirate climaxes?
An arrgasm
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What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
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I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
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Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. It has so many black belts.
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
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