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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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What do Spanish clocks say?
Tick-taco
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Previous Dates
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Your dad is in prison and he has a stutter.
He's never going to finish his sentence.
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My balding magician friend has come up with a new trick.
He vanished into thin hair.
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Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
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It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
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These four words describe my gaming pc.
Gay, Mean, Pee, Sea.
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Did you know the US Mint is the richest Department in the US?
They make a lot of money.
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Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
He had already broken the bench.
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Reporter: How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?
Company owner: It's simple. I have 100 employees, and 99 free parking spaces outside. The other one costs $50 a day.
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I asked my wife what she thought of my peeing skills, on a scale of 1-10...
She said “urinate”
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Why do people like fizzy drinks?
They're sodalicious.
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People who wear glasses must be excited for next year.
It's the first time they'll see 2020.
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What do you call a half horse, half human doctor?
A centaur for disease control.
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1
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
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I was rejected from the astronaut academy
I guess the sky is my limit
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I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too
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Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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Girlfriend selling her Audi.. “ok guys, say goodbye to the Audi.”
Me: Audios!
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Rocks don't get the respect they deserve.
A lot of people take them for granite.
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2
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
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How programmers curse?
Oh shift!
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For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
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My kid’s pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we can’t find it.
Now he’s just some bunny we used to know.
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We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
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I asked my wife what she thought of my peeing skills, on a scale of 1-10...
She said “urinate”
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My wife divorced me because I'm a compulsive gambler...
All I can think about is how to win her back!
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What are a communist's favorite units of time?
Hours.
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I like playing chess with old people in the park...
But it's kind of hard to find 32 of them.
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Why is 19 afraid of 20?
Because they got in a fight once and 21.
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An old lady in bank asked me if I can check her balance
so I pushed her over.
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I invented a new game called Silent Tennis.
It’s like regular tennis but without the racquet.
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Why are there no knock-knock jokes in America?
Because freedom rings
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Joke of the Day
What do Spanish clocks say?
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