The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.

Todays Joke

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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

Previous Dates

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Did you hear about the houses next door to each other that fell in love?

1

Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

0

Call me a taxi!

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I can count on one hand how many times I've visited Chernobyl

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I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor

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A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

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Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?

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Which food should you only eat in the bathroom?

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I lost five pounds last week,

2

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

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I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.

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Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good

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My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy

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If you have diarrhea,

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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

1

How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

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My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercises.

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I’m not super experienced with wood carving.

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Just read an article about the top ten exposed electrical circuits.

-1

Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.

1

Why did the tomato blush?

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When life gives you melons

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Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.

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What's the difference between a baseball hitter and a skydiver?

-1

What bug did dinosaurs hate the most?

1

Irony.

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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

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What do you call a line of blonde people?

-5

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion

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What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?

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Why was the broom late for work?