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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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Previous Dates
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A guy tried to sell me a mirror but I knew it was a scam.
I could see right through it.
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Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
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Why was the calendar depressed?
Because it’s days were numbered!
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My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
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What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I gotta give these two a lift!
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
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Why did the mexican gang fail?
It only had Juan member
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The strangest part about picking out a name for your child is
realizing how many people you hate.
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Why do bees hum?
They don't know the words.
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My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook...
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants?
They give him good case ideas.
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My buddy said 'There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me.' I asked, 'Which is?'
'Exactly', he replied.
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Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They’d crack each other up!
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-1
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia....
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
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3
What animal makes buildings?
Boa constructor
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1
A blind man walks into a bar
and a table, and a chair.
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0
Why do plants hate math?
It gives them square roots
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What follows two eyes?
Captain.
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When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
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What did the bear say when he called customer service?
Just bear with me here.
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0
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
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1
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
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0
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn't.
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England doesn't have a kidney bank.
But it does have a Liverpool.
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I just found out I’m colour blind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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Being a great father is like shaving.
No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday
Not only is it terrible, it's terrible!
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I think the girl at the grocery store register likes me.
She's always checking me out!
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How often do people who study scientific elements tell dad jokes?
Periodically
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2
What happened to the barber after he got caught on fire?
He got side burns.
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Joke of the Day
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
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