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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
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Previous Dates
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I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
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My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
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What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
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I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
Straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
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What does a dentist get on his one-year work anniversary?
A little plaque.
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What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
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Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.
HeHe
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Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely.
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0
A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender says:
"Why the long face?"
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1
I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.
Thanks for everything, dad.
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What's Snoop Dog's favorite cereals?
Weedies
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-1
What do you call a noodle that doesn’t drink?
Soba
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How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
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Golfer: Caddiemaster, this boy you assigned me isn't even five years old!
Caddiemaster: Better for you, sir. He probably can't count past ten.
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How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
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I hate to say this.
Because I have a speech impediment.
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Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree
Ba-dum-tss
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How do you tie up 2 Martians?
With an astro-knot.
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What do you do after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
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I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
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What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
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1
What did the archer get when he hit a bull's-eye?
One very angry bull.
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3
My son flushed one of his shoes down the toilet, stopping it up...
It was a clog.
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0
Why couldn't the Olympian listen to music?
Because he kept breaking all the records.
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Just read an article about the top ten exposed electrical circuits.
One through ten will shock you!
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Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
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What do you call two trans midgets havin sex?
A microtransaction
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A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says "hey" . . The horse replies "sure"
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Girlfriend selling her Audi.. “ok guys, say goodbye to the Audi.”
Me: Audios!
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2
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
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Joke of the Day
My dog is really good at playing fetch
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