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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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Previous Dates
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After a heated argument, my kid shouted “Jim Morrison was overrated”
What did I say about slamming The Doors?
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Which cult is the toughest?
Difficult
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What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
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Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy.
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I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.
This is because concrete floors are really hard.
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A bossy man goes into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.
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1
2 fish are in a tank
One says to the other. How do we drive this thing
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I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
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1
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
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What did the ex of Ed Sheeran do?
Sheeran away.
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How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
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I once swallowed a book of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had!
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I took a poll the other day.
Turns out 100% of people get angry when their tents fall down.
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I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
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What is the worst combination of two sicknesses?
Diarrhea and Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where.
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1
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
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Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
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-1
Patient: Doctor,, my hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: What about a shoebox?
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When debating letters, you always want "i" and "j" on your team.
They always have a point.
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What does Superman have in his drink?
Just ice.
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Kid: Dad, can you teach me how to play chess?
Dad: Sure, let me pick up a board at the pawn shop.
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What is hairy, brown, and goes up and down?
A kiwi in an elevator.
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"Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.
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I had a dream I was floating in some sort of orange liquid.
When I woke up I couldn't decide if it was really a dream or just a Fanta Sea.
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1
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
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What music are balloons scared of?
POP music
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Why do boxers have TGIF written on the inside of their shoes?
"Toes go in first."
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My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.
I said, “Wait! I can change!”
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Why did the guy get arrested for having sex with a piano?
Because it was A minor
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After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
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1
They'll never win a war on drugs.
It's hard enough to win a war even when you're not on drugs.
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Joke of the Day
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
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