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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
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Previous Dates
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Where do you take somebody that has been injured in a Peek-a-Boo accident?
The I.C.U.
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I bet none of you will see this one coming
1
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Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together.
It's hard for them to stay in sink.
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What's the difference between "comma" and "coma"?
The length of the pause.
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I once dated a girl in ISIS
She was the bomb
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Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
Because it was a cheetah!
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1
Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
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1
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
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0
Which food should you only eat in the bathroom?
Showerkraut
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1
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, everyone will say,
"Well, she looks good, doesn't she!"
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0
My daughter texted me wondering why I was so happy all day.
I replied that it was my cake day, but she never reddit.
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When my grandfather was ill, we rubbed lard on his back.
He went downhill quite quickly after that.
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My friend David just lost his ID.
Now we just call him Dav.
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4
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the hell out of their guide dogs.
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0
What do Mexicans eat when it's cold out?
Brrrritos
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0
Finally left my job at the circus where I was part of the human pyramid
That's a huge weight off my shoulders
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I quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big or strong enough.
Today, I put in my too-weak notice.
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Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
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Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker.
I used to look up to him.
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What does Devil use to make calls?
Hell phones
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If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
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My wife sent me an article that says men's beards have more germs than dogs.
I approve. There are no dogs in my beard.
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Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months.
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To be frank
I'd have to change my name
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What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
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2
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.
I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
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0
If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada
is it a 34 degree murder in the US?
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0
Where do mice park their boats?
At the Hickory Dickory Dock.
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0
What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
"Oh snap!"
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I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
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1
I shot my enemy with a paintball gun
I wanted to see them dye
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My dog is really good at playing fetch
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